Here's where you come in. The following links will take you to the little poems and stories and jokes. So, the next time you are bored, surfing the net, or just feel like reading entertaining literature, click on one of the links below!

Come back every once in a while, because I'll probably add more links the more forwards I receive.

A little boy opened the big & old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. When something fell out of the Bible the little boy picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment, the young boy answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

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The Body Part

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated? "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy, " then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed }}

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YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.

You played with "My Little Ponies".

Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn't be broken.

You've ever read Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, The Babysitters Club (Say Hello to your friends!), or Sweet Valley High.

You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby".

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.

You remember the New Kids On The Block.

You wanted to be on Star Search.

You had Garbage Pal trading cards

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he had plasticsurgery.

Heaven forbid you wore one of those t-shirt rings or a scrunchi on one side of your shirt during your youth.

You were styling with your french rolled pants.

You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so you could be "hip."

You puff painted your own shirt at least once.

You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts'signed on it's butt.

You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."

You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power, and He-Man cancelled.

You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours, back when they were new episodes.

You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."

You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."

You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")

You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

You wore flourescent-neon clothing.

You could breakdance, or wished you could.

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

You remember M.C. Hammer.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".

How many of you can recite the theme to Duck tales?

You own any cassettes

You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis shoes.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf (And how come Baby Smurf never grew up).

My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, Transformers, You can't do that on Television, Noozles, KIDS Incorperated, Double Dare, Thunder Cats, and Hey Dude are familiar to you.

You ever had a Swatch Watch or a Doonie and Burke.

You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "Care Bear stare".

You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

You spent hours in the basement building and re-building Lego cities.

Do Polly Pockets or Popples ring a bell?

Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.

With your playschool record player you sang back up to Debbie Gibson.

"Party like it's 1999" seemed SO far away!

You stayed up all night listening to Teddy Rupskin.

You owned a Trapper Keeper.

You can "tell me how to get to Sesame Street."

You wanted to be on the GLADIATORS!!!

You still have a crimper in your bathroom drawer.

If you remember singing Amy Grant's "Baby, Baby."

You owned an Indiana Jones hat.

You had more than one Star Wars action figure.

You loved your pink jeans, black stretch pants and big hoop earings.

If you wanted to pick a lock with a toothbrush just like MacGyver.

You wanted to travel through time on Quantum Leap.

You had at least one Hypercolor shirt.

If you remember when rollerblades were the new thing.

If you learned how to spell mouse from the Mickey Mouse Club theme song.

You felt like a big girl when your mom bought you GIRL TALK.

You used to wear bright pink slip-ons and jelly shoes.

You used to compare your little brother to Ferguson.

You were scared of the Gremlins.

You remember when Ren and Stimpy was a new show.

Your parents wouldn't let you watch The Simpsons because it was inappropriate.

The Wonder Years was a part of your daily lifestyle.

You had Hotwheel races down your street during the block party.

You remember when MTV was all about Rock Hard videos and BIG hair (first aired in1981!!!)

Pee Wee's Play House, RainbowBrite, Fanny Packs (need I saymore...:)

If you can remember when you're "KidSister, Kid Sister" seemed so tall.

Did you keep your hot pink lipstick in a caboodle?

You could not get enough hair spray on those bangs.

How many trolls did you have?

Does "Heroes in a half shell" mean anything to you (TURTLE POWER)?

Everything was rad, totally awesome, and tubular!!!

You remember when the original nintendo was the best $100 you couldspend.

You wanted to go to the bozo show.

You remember when there was no Barney, and when the Ghost Busters were the ones to call.

The pogo balls were the BOMB!!!!!

You gotta remember Skipit's and the strechy elastic head bands that would match your stretch pants!

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The Cross

A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy of a cross to bear."

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." The man was filled with relief said, "Thank you, Lord," and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

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EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . . .

One old love she can imagine going back to, and one who reminds her how far she has come.

Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to.

Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

A youth she's content to leave behind.

A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to fund it.

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.

A feeling of control over her destiny.

A skin care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.

A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better after 30.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW . . .

How to fall in love without losing herself.

How she feels about having kids.

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

When to try harder . . . and when to walk away.

How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend.

How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it.

That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

That her childhood may not have been perfect . . . but it's over.

What she would and wouldn't do for love or more.

How to live alone . . . even if she doesn't like it.

Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.

Where to go . . . be it to her best friend's kitchen table . . . or a charming inn in the woods . . . when her soul needs soothing.

What she can and can't accomplish in a day . . . a month . . . and a year.

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Installing Your Heart Drive

Customer Service Rep: We're going to run the HEART installation now.

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see . . . I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer:: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer:: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer:: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer:: Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer:: It says, "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS, but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer:: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer:: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer:: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer:: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle It from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer:: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer:: I will. Thank you for your help.

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The crawfish mounds in your front yard have overtaken the grass.

You greet people with "Ha's ya momma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey's fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions you use words like "uptown", "downtown", "backatown", riverside", "lakeside", "northshore", "westbank" , "down the bayou" or "across the river"

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North", you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, "where it gets real cold"!

Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibodaux, Opelousas, Pontchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya,)

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. (Amen) You Got dat rite

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed".

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than HBO.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".

You go by "ya-mom-en-'dems" on Good Friday for family supper.

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people refer to as windbreakers).

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team (Geaux Zephyrs).

You have a ditch on at least one side of your property.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple".

You like your rice and politics dirty.

When given the choice for Governor between a KKK leader and Edwin Edwards, it's a difficult decision.

You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods (Scary, but true).

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Newawlins".

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if they were palmettos or those little ones that go after the French Fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You prefer skiing on the bayou.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

You use a "hose pipe" to water your garden or wash the car

You offer somebody a "coke" and then ask them what kind: Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, 7Up?

You can name all of your 3rd cousins.

You plan your wedding around hunting season & LSU football.

You can list all the ingredients of a gumbo or a jambalaya.

You go to the "boat", but you don't plan on spending any time over water

When you're in Baton Rouge you know the difference between the old bridge & the new bridge.

You've ever had to wait for the bridge to "come down" so you can get home.

You pull for the Saints (who else would?)

You've ever been to a wedding and someone either danced in a #3 washtub or with a broom and this was considered normal.

You make your groceries" or "save your dishes"

You've ever worn shorts at Christmas time.

You pronounce Lafayette as "Laffy-ette" not "La-fy-ette"

You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car

You know the meaning of a "Pierre Part Reeboks" (that would be a pair of all white fishing boots).

You can't think of anybody that can cook better than your momma.

You know when it's appropriate to use Tony Chachere's.

You know an old person that can "treat" you for warts.

The four seasons in your year are crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake.

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Scars

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave the boy a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy drove 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it, and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave scars just like these. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are a very rare jewel indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us."

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A School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites
It violates the Bill of Rights.
Anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
The law is specific; the law is precise.
Praying out loud is no longer nice.

Praying aloud in a public hall
Upsets those who believe in nothing at all.
In silence alone we can meditate
And if God should get the credit-great!
They are bringing their guns;
I don't dare bring my Bible,
To do so, might make me liable.
So, now Oh Lord, this plea I make;
Should I be shot in school,
My soul please take.

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Years of Life
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tr i cks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten t he monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for t he next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

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Ode to Teachers
Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instil a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviourally modify disruptive behaviour, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages. I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a check book and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally. I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behaviour, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. I'm required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summer and evenings and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in authority. I am to make sure ALL students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less plan time, and a big smile on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this and expect me to do it without praying?

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My husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said,
My hubby's got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair,
Even though arson's a crime.

But I failed at each plot
'till I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!

They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!

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